Chemistry is that instant attraction when you lay eyes on someone who you believe is “your type.” You feel a shortness of breath; your temperature rises, your heart beats faster, and a warm glow emerges as the two of you lock eyes. You feel an instant high. For days or weeks you are walking on clouds if you start a relationship with someone because of chemistry. What actually is happening within your body is the dl-Phenylalanine, Dopamine, and Serotonin levels escalate and “rush” through the brain and body when you have chemistry with someone who is your “Love map.”
A Love map is ingrained inside one’s psyche at a young age. Psychologists report that a child’s first crush, between the ages of 5 and 11 years old, forms the pattern of desire that lasts a lifetime. Most people can remember the first and last name of their childhood crush. Can you? Their eye, hair and skin color will be the basis of attraction for you as an adult. If you cannot remember a crush that early, the physical traits will often resemble that of the opposite-sexed parent.
Chemistry is for real, but can you trust it? Does it lead to true and lasting love? As a Love, Life and Relationship Coach, I want to help you find love this Valentine’s month that lasts forever! So I want to warn you that chemistry can start a relationship; however, first developing a trusting, safe and fun friendship grounded in reality is what makes a relationship endure. Unfortunately, too many people have “lust blindness” and get sexually involved “too fast” starting a relationship off with a full speed passionate romance, which often won’t last. This is a key mistake that women of all ages often make, giving themselves too quickly and freely; only to be disappointed. Men, this could be a warning sign that a lady could lack self respect, esteem or be overly needy and toxic.
What to do? Enjoy the initial rush of chemistry – but put the brakes on and move slowly. Don’t rush into a sexual relationship no matter how tempted you feel. I know this is difficult, especially for men, as they are hard-wired in their “cave man/old brain” to go with their reaction to mate. Women, you are still the gate-keeper, with a right to say “No.” If you seek a quality, life-long relationship, you will be grateful in the long run that you took the time to really grow the trust and friendship first. Ladies, if a man won’t wait – he’s not for you; if he does, he really respects and cares for you.
It is imperative to look at the internal characteristics of a person and fall in love with those, vs. the exterior, shallow looks that will fade with time. Is this man or woman a good person of old-school moral values, have a sense of faith, and work hard within a career they are proud of? Are they confident but not arrogant or narcissistic? Are they honest, keep their word, and have integrity (doing the right things when nobody’s watching)? Do you share the same interests and goals for your future? If a parent, do they have a wonderful bond with their psychologically healthy children? This all takes time to discover to ensure they are emotionally healthy, evolved and right for you.
I refer to this advice as “the 90 day rule.” Singles, if you can put intimacy on hold for 90 days, you will first discover if this “new crush” is the right partner – and possesses the important qualities and character traits that a long-term relationship requires. By rushing into intimacy before you have this information many people fall in love with an illusion. Even worse, it could become a toxic relationship as negative personality traits or addictions slowly emerge after you are emotionally and sexually invested. Don’t become exclusive too quickly; continue to date others as you get to know each other. The world is abundant and there is someone special for you! You just have to learn what to do, and whom to look for, There is truly an art and method to finding healthy love; unfortunately, it’s something we weren’t taught in school. Learn more about successful dating and the emotionally healthy, Evolved relationship (and how to avoid Toxic partners) in my book, LOVE Beyond Your Dreams Break Free of Toxic Relationships to Have the Love You Deserve (in Barnes and Noble stores) or in the many articles on my website RianaMilne.com and app, My Relationship Coach.
Riana Mine, MA, LMHC, CAP is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Cert. Addictions Professional at Therapy by the Sea; 15300 Jog Rd, Suite 109, Delray Beach. Also a Certified, world-wide Relationship, Love & Life Coach, published author, and motivational speaker, her free App: My Relationship Coach offers more articles and her books, LIVE Beyond Your Dreams – from Fear and Doubt to Personal Power, Purpose and Success, and LOVE Beyond Your Dreams – Break Free of Toxic Relationships to Have the Love You Deserve addresses relationships with yourself and others. To learn more or suggest a topic, go to Riana’s website, www.RianaMilne.com or email RianaMilne@gmail.com. Skype Coaching and FB: coachrianamilne. Office ph: (561) 701-8277