What is Childhood, Dating & Relationship Trauma?
Hello from Coach Riana!
It is my mission to help change the way people Love one another in this world. As a Global Life, Dating & Relationship Coach I have watched great people – suffer greatly – with abusive, toxic Partners. These relationships start out wonderfully – romantic, deep friendship, tons of fun and passion – but then, what goes wrong? How can two loving people end up in a relationship that tears them apart? Well, this happened to me many years ago – and I made it my mission to discover what was going on.
How could my loving partner have a secret life – to the point of losing everything? His job, career, reputation, our marriage, his income…what drove him to a secret life He didn’t even know – he was a devastated as I was, but didn’t seem to be aware of what drove his dark side. For my ability to forgive him, and for my own sanity, I set out to discover where his dark, demons came from
I discovered something I never heard of in my Triple Masters in Applied and Clinical & Counseling Psychology (and I was a good student; graduating with a 3.98 – Sum Cume Laude) – that of the Impact of Childhood Trauma on an Adult’s Life & Love Relationships. Strangely, none of my Psychotherapist colleagues knew about this either. Especially affected was WHO people chose for a Partner to love, and how strong our Unconscious Emotional Triggers pulls us to our past “normal.” And this normal state of you growing up was most often, highly or somewhat – dysfunctional. Also, if you experienced Childhood Trauma, your parents definitely came from Trauma too; this is now proven in research from the Kaiser Permanente Group, out of San Diego, CA; USA.
Their research shows, 89.9 percent of Adults (9 out of 10) have at least one ACE – Adverse Childhood Events, which I refer to as – Traumas. At first, it was easy to diagnose my ex-husband; he had 10 out of 10 traumas, which explains his lack of remorse and Sociopathy. Now, growing up, I didn’t think I really had any Traumas. Sure, stuff happened I wasn’t crazy about — but when I really sat and considered it, and went carefully through the ten Traumas, and my gosh, I had a few! This response is what most all my clients thought too. However, the real clue was that I kept choosing men very similar to my father; who had his own demons, and yes, he had several of the Childhood Traumas.
Here’s a fact – when you are attracted to someone by “Chemistry” – watch out! In the USA, we learned about love through fairy tales and romance books and movies. Most of our parents didn’t model a great example of Love Relationship, nor did they teach us who to look for and why. We all just “fell in Love” – very unconsciously, and totally by attraction and chemistry. Yes, to be attracted is important – but that is only the icing on the cake – and the “cake” – the inside traits, qualities, and history of a person, is what is really the most important signs of a Partner for a long-term relationship.
What are the 10 Traumas?
I have prepared a free eBook you can download here – How to Attract Emotionally Healthy Love –
I go deeper into Childhood Trauma and it’s impact on Adults. Inside the eBook is the checklist of 10 ACEs; and more details about this. You can also see the list in the Master Class video link at the top of this page. The Master Class is about 50 minutes, and it will give you a lot of detail on what Childhood, Dating & Relationship Trauma is. The eBook is a resource for those who like to read and have something to digest in writing.
How Does Childhood Trauma affect us in Dating and Relationships?
There are SO MANY effects that Unconscious Behavior Patterns that come from past coping and survival strategies we used as children. We have very unique and different patterns than others; depending on our childhood history. Here are just a few examples; however, remember everyone is a different puzzle; and it takes a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP) and Life & Love Transformation Expert Coach to decipher your patterns and help you to correct and eliminate them.
- Jealousy – This comes from Trauma #7 – Personal Trauma, or #2 Verbal Abuse. You could have been verbally put-down, never given compliments or told you did a great job or told: “I Love You.” You may have been bullied, not felt “good enough” or remember feeling “different” at school. You may not have been in the popular crowd, not chosen for sports teams, nor invited to birthday parties. You could have been overweight, skinny and gawky, or considered a “nerd.” You may have had a medical condition, or been a minority race in school – these are just a few examples. As an adult, you get jealous easily because your unconscious Triggers pull you to those past feelings of “not being good enough” – you could perceive your partner is cheating or wants another partner. If you add abandonment issues on top of this (Fault or no Fault) then you are prone to stay in a Toxic Relationship for way too long. You keep trying to fix the Toxic Partner, hang in there for the family, or are deep down, afraid to leave or live without the small amount of love they give you. You may be obsessive at work to the point of being a workaholic or obsessed with your body, working out daily for a few hours. Those who are Successful in Business but Struggle in Love have had Childhood Trauma, and find their accolades and ego gratification from work. Being successful is a good thing, but not at the expense of your family or relationships. Keeping boundaries may be difficult, or you may always put yourself last, trying to please everyone else – this leaves you stressed out, anxious and totally frustrated in Life.
2. People Pleasing – This comes from Traumas #2 (Verbal abuse), #3 (Emotional Abuse) #4 (Physical Abuse) or #10 (Mental Health issues in your Parent). A child learns to “people please” a difficult and moody parent to keep the peace. If a Parent had a drug or alcohol issue, verbally yelled or screamed at you, had Borderline Personality Disorder (fast-trigger anger), hit you or emotionally was unstable; then you learned to be “a good little girl or boy” to stay out of harm’s way. Most often, girls fell into this pattern, taking care of their siblings, making the meals, cleaning the house, just to please the unstable, moody parent. This kids always seem to get good grades – again to please the angry parent or to hear a compliment of “good job.” As women, these ladies then over-do for their partners and children, to the point of exhaustion. They never feel their Partners or children love them as much as they leading to resentment and burnout.
3. Charm & Manipulation – This comes from Traumas #2, 3, 4, 7, 8 (Sibling Trauma), and/or #10 – The extremely charming man or woman, could have multiple Traumas. As an example, the man who is extremely charming, attentive, texts and calls all the time, gives you a ton of attention and gifts early on – you may think – “He’s wonderful! Exactly what I want” but then 6 – 9 months into the relationship, toxic behaviors start emerging (usually when there is more of a commitment, like moving in together, getting engaged or married – BTW; watch out for those fast marriage proposals!!). Charm and Humor is a big part of the Sociopath, and research shows, 1 in 25 people are Sociopathic (no remorse for wrong-doings, can’t apologize, blames you, takes advantage of you) – so daters beware! So this little boy who is being tortured at home goes to school and either become the class clown to win friends and be liked there – or – charms his female teachers to feel loved and adored. He discovers – charm works – to get favors, better grades, and what he wants! Then, it becomes a way of life.
Now, these are just three of about 25 – or more – combinations! It is my job to get to the source of what happened to you as a child (remember Trauma happens TO YOU – you did not cause this.) I wear three hats – the Clinical Trauma Professional, the Psychotherapist, and the Life, Dating, and Relationship Coach. Because you can’t change what you don’t understand….we start at the beginning of your life and go through each trauma, how you felt about it, what your parents and extended family were like. Then we examine your dating history and your major relationships – why were you attracted to who you ended up with, and what happened to those relationships?
My Coaching programs are a real education – based on years of research and Clinical education.
I’ve invested over $350,000 in my education over the past 18 years, putting in tons of hours to get several Licenses and Certifications, to bring you the cutting edge research and techniques to transform your Life and Love Relationships. This program works! Be sure to read my Client’s Testimonials, from my women and men of all ages; and whether Straight or LBGT; their Life & Love Transformation is deep and profound, and for the rest of their lives.
Together, we take your unconscious feelings and behavior patterns and make everything Conscious – then change them. A step at a time. My programs are 50% Life Coaching and 50% Love Coaching. For singles, you must become a Successful Single in all Life areas before you can attract Emotionally Healthy, Conscious and Evolved Love. Then, you will receive the education in dating and relationships that you always wish you had — leading you to become very confident in dating, and truly enjoying the process.
As a VIP Client, you get special treatment, as I am with you 1-on-1 as your Coach to take you through this transition; then give you the exact skills you need to get back out there and Date – now knowing EXACTLY what to look for in an Emotionally Healthy and Evolved Person.
VIP Diamonds (6-month program) have several 1-hour Coaching sessions with me each month, plus Text and email access to me 6 days a week, offering a level of support that is not offered from any other Life Coach globally. VIP Platinum (3 months) have email access on top of their monthly 1-hour Coaching sessions with me.
All my Clients learn to become the Chooser; and know on the 1st or 2nd date, by using your new skill set and specific questions to ask, whether this person is right for you. The world is abundant, and there are great men and women out there to love! You just have to know what to do – what to look for, what to avoid. It’s that simple…but there is much to learn.
My group class for Singles, Dating to Mating, is offered 3 times a year – September, January, and May. We meet in my Zoom Classroom; and you get all your education in my online School – www.LifeandLoveTrainingAcademy.com
Learning from a group setting is fun, as you learn from everyone else’s questions; and you become the supportive family that you may not have had growing up. We meet as a group for 90 minutes, 8 times over 90 days. And everyone has one thing in common – we are all from Childhood Trauma – so everyone “Gets each other.” Men learn from the women, and the women from the men….it is an honest, authentic forum of amazing people.
Couples work with me individually, and use the online school platform for their education, while working 1 on 1 with me either locally (Palm Beach Co. area of Florida) or virtually in Zoom. I examine each of their individual past childhoods to get to the bottom of where their emotional triggers stem – and we start the process of turning their relationships from Toxic – to – Terrific! They learn a whole new way to communicate; with love, support, compassion, empathy, and understanding. They work as a Team – and their friendship and trust really grow into something beautiful.
All my clients receive a Special Notebook full of original worksheets to teach you the exact skills you need. The VIP Diamonds have an expanded book, and the Online and VIP Platinum Clients have the Online School education and 90-day workbook, Powerpoints, videos, assessments, and other tools that you need to create a life-long Transformation.
I take your education and growth very seriously, I totally realize you have entrusted me with your journey where you will learn so much about yourself, as we take your Unconscious fearful, anxious and/or negative mindset and turn it into a Powerful, Positive and Conscious Mindset for Success in all Life areas.
Are you Ready to Have the Life You Desire and the Love You Deserve?
Then, let’s talk! Simply go to schedule a FREE Life & Love Transformation Session with me, where we will go deep into your past and you will learn what is keeping you stuck in life and/or your Dating or Love Relationships. Will we discuss your concerns and goals, and discover what is your Best Next Move.
I look forward to meeting you on the Skype call and getting to know you. Don’t worry, we can fix this! So many others before you have taken the first step, and then the leap into getting the help they needed – and their lives have totally changed – FOREVER. Read their stories here.
You deserve this. Don’t wait! (my oldest client is 78 – and the happiest they’ve ever been — but why wait?)
Life is short, and you deserve to be happy and have amazing, Emotionally Healthy Love.
In Light & Love, Riana