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posted on June 2, 2014

Turn Toxic Love into Terrific!

CouplesinOffice   Turn Toxic Love into Terrific!  Riana Milne, LMHC, CAP, Cert Life & Relationship Coach

If you’re tired of doing all the right things yet still end up with emotional manipulators or angry, moody partners who are unable to love fully or have toxic personality traits, you need to make happiness a priority and choose to learn to love in a different way. You ask, “Learn how to love? Doesn’t this come naturally?” Unfortunately, healthy evolved love often has to be learned. We are conditioned to show and receive love by how we are loved as children, or by what is modeled to us by our parents as “normal.” Therefore, if you grew up fearful or insecure due to a lot of drama at home, which could include witnessing parental screaming, fighting or other abuse or dysfunction, you may repeat these patterns in your own love or parent/child relationships. Excessive dependence or fear of being alone and abandoned, can create a dynamic of power struggles and resentment, as you try to change your partner to fulfill a deep-seated need that, with therapy, you should heal for yourself. Expecting your partner to alter the nature of who he is will cause resentment. You can’t change your partner, but you can change yourself, which will modify the relationship. What you choose to tolerate will repeatedly occur, and you must ask yourself, are you allowing your partner to treat you badly? You both either provide positive (powerful) or negative (exhausting) energy to the other. Two evolved individuals with excellent communication skills, integrity, life balance and boundaries, a sense of faith and wholesome self-esteem, make the happiest couples.

As a Relationship Coach and Couples Counselor, it is important for me to see both parties individually as well as together when turning a toxic relationship into terrific. We honestly review the areas of their past that formed their behavior patterns that need improvement, making any wounds heal with a sense of meaning. The couple learns loving and peaceful communication skills, how to change faulty and negative messages into positive ones, stop blame and shame, and encourage the sharing of honest feelings in a calm, supportive way. Partners learn to become friends who know how to have fun again, with an empathic ear and a new understanding of the other’s needs, wants and desires. They learn conscious living and speaking, being careful of what they do and say to the other. Lessons from their past mistakes are discussed, and vows made to leave the past behind, forgive it, and focus on “the now” – and their future. We look at each person’s individual dreams, and set goals for them to be reached, no longer blaming their partner for inaction, or boredom in their personal life or relationship. We examine all life spheres’ to ensure that a new, evolved relationship emerges, which makes both partners feel loved, confident and terrific. As explained in my newest book, LOVE Beyond Your Dreams – Break Free of Toxic Relationships to Have the Love You Deserve, an evolved relationship has the following:

1)       Solid Foundation: Trust, shared moral values, and a confidence in their individual self and as a couple, putting the couple first above all others

2)       Flexibility: each person is open-minded, easy-going, patient, kind, understanding, feels safe to risk and share who they are to the other

3)       Fidelity: honesty, loyalty and integrity

4)       Friendship: respect, kindness, reliable, thoughtful, a best friend

5)       Fun: common interests, shared activities, a sense of humor, regular dating and time together

6)       Compromise: acceptance, forgiveness without blame, negotiate differences

7)       Balanced individuals: each have a healthy self-esteem, boundaries, have purpose in their work, feel grateful in life, and have quality relationships with family and friends

8)       Spirituality: belief and faith in something greater than self that provides guidance and demands accountability.

9)       Connection: daily affection and loving communication, passion for the other and mutual sexual desire and intimacy

An evolved way of loving and being can be learned. It can change your life, your energy, and the entire dynamic of your love relationship. Life is too short to be unhappy – You can break free of toxic relationships and have the love you deserve! It begins with Loving Yourself more, and making happiness a priority!

Riana Mine, MA, is a Certified, world-wide Relationship, Love & Life Coach, #1 Best Selling Author, motivational speaker, Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Cert Addictions Professional at Therapy by the Sea; 15300 Jog Rd, Suite 109, Delray Beach. Her free App: My Relationship Coach offers more articles and her books, LIVE Beyond Your Dreamsfrom Fear and Doubt to Personal Power, Purpose and Success, and LOVE Beyond Your Dreams – Break Free of Toxic Relationships to Have the Love You Deserve addresses relationships with yourself and others. To learn more about Riana’s Life or Love Coaching programs or suggest a topic, go to Riana’s website, www.RianaMilne.com or email RianaMilne@gmail.com. Worldwide Coaching Phone: (201) 281-7887. Delray office: (561) 701-8277; Skype Coaching and FB: coachrianamilne.  #LoveCoach,   #LifeCoach, #RelationshipCoach,  #SinglesCoach

 

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