The Cornerstones to a Life-long Relationship – Riana Milne, ,LMHC, CAP< Cert Life & Relationship Coach
Integrity is one of the key cornerstones to a life-long, loving relationship. The other key pieces are connected and inter-related. They are trust, faith, character and emotional intelligence. As a Relationship Coach, allow me to define why each is imperative. I define integrity as “doing the right things when nobody’s looking – after all, God’s watching, and you will be found out!” If someone is lying, cheating, or deceiving you by living a secret life which you are unaware of, they become emotionally distant in the relationship. They begin to live with internal anxiety, and start picking apart the honorable partner. They may exhibit moodiness, anger, jealousy, or control issues, as they project their guilt upon the healthy partner, eroding any sense of closeness or intimacy the couple once had. Once the secret life is revealed by the emotionally healthy partner finding out, be prepared for more lies and denial of the truth. One who lives without integrity lacks faith and consistently breaks trust. Without trust, there is no relationship because it is impossible to believe anything they say or do. The relationship is over.
After an affair, couples come to me hoping that I am “the magic pill” who can piece together their broken marriage. An affair is a result of a marriage that was broken before the affair, or – the result of an impulsive, emotionally immature and selfish person who chose to cheat despite the consequences. They live above society’s norms and rules, because they selfishly do want they want. Humans have the higher brain and mental functions to make choices; therefore, anyone who embarks on an affair had the ability to stop it before it starts. This is where the emotional maturity and character come in to play. Character is the moral qualities a person chooses to live by; whereas emotional maturity is the ability to control, be aware of, and express properly one’s emotions while having empathy and concern for all their interpersonal relationships. I can help a marriage stay together if the emotionally high-risk and impulsive client is willing to learn and consistently practice these cornerstones to a loving, honest relationship. It begins by them asking themselves these four questions before making any decision:
- Can this choice hurt me in any way?
- Can it hurt my partner, the one I love?
- Can it hurt my children or extended family?
- Can it hurt my reputation on the job, or in the community?
If a person impulsively and repeatedly takes high risks where they lose everything important to them, then this is often the sign of an ACOA (Adult Child of an Alcoholic or any child of trauma), bipolar or other risky personality type. I go into the warning signs of toxic personality types who can break your heart, extensively in my forthcoming book, LOVE Beyond Your Dreams – Break Free of Toxic Relationships to Have the Love You Deserve. The red flags are clearly defined, so if you are single and dating and want to find an emotionally healthy partner, or wondering if you are in a toxic relationship, this book clearly gives you the answers you seek.
I often see couples where one partner is doing all the right things; living honorable, honestly, and making wise choices that always involve thinking ahead about how their choices will affect them and their partner. However, their toxic partner is making impulsive, selfish choices, that ultimately drags down the relationship, usually to its’ destruction. Eventually, the emotionally healthy partner can’t take the lies and cheap drama, nor continue to clean up the destructive life choices of the toxic partner.
It takes two emotionally intelligent people who individually can make sound choices, have a sense of personal accountability to themselves, their partner and a higher power (faith), who can be completely trusted and consistently lives authentically and with integrity to make a relationship work. I do teach that it is the spiritual thing to forgive your partner one time for a grave infraction; however, if the faulty choices are repeated, it is in your best interests to end this relationship. Learn how to spot the emotionally manipulator or toxic personality before getting too deeply involved; stop being affected by their poor choices, and save yourself from even more heartache by leaving this type of relationship. Get support to increase your self esteem and know that you deserve healthy love. The world is abundant! With faith and knowledge, you can break free from toxic relationships to have the love you deserve!
Riana Mine, MA, is a Certified, world-wide Relationship, Love & Life Coach, #1 Best Selling Author, motivational speaker, Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Cert Addictions Professional at Therapy by the Sea; 15300 Jog Rd, Suite 109, Delray Beach. Her free App: My Relationship Coach offers more articles and her books, LIVE Beyond Your Dreams – from Fear and Doubt to Personal Power, Purpose and Success, and LOVE Beyond Your Dreams – Break Free of Toxic Relationships to Have the Love You Deserve addresses relationships with yourself and others. To learn more about Riana’s Life or Love Coaching programs or suggest a topic, go to Riana’s website, www.RianaMilne.com or email RianaMilne@gmail.com. Worldwide Coaching Phone: (201) 281-7887. Delray office: (561) 701-8277; Skype Coaching and FB: coachrianamilne. #LoveCoach, #LifeCoach, #RelationshipCoach, #SinglesCoach