posted on November 18, 2013

Chemistry – What is it and Can you Trust it?

Chemistry is that instant attraction when you lay eyes on someone who you believe is “your type.” You feel a shortness of breath; your temperature rises, your heart beats faster, and a warm glow emerges as the two of you lock eyes. You feel an instant high. For days or weeks you are walking on clouds if you start a relationship with someone because of chemistry. It is a rare feeling that taps into one’s “Love Map.”

A Love Map is ingrained inside one’s psyche at a young age. Psychologists report that a child’s first crush, between the ages of 5 and 8 years old, forms the pattern of desire that lasts a lifetime. Most people can remember the first and last name of their childhood crush. If he had dark hair and dark eyes that is what you will be attracted to in a partner. If she had blonde hair and blue eyes, chemistry will ensue when you lay eyes on a lady of that type. If you cannot remember a crush that early, the physical traits will resemble that of the opposite-sexed parent. Think back – does this apply to you?

Chemistry is when the dl-Phenylalanine, Dopamine, and Serotonin levels within the brain escalate and “rush” through the brain and body when you see someone your type. Chemistry is for real, but can you trust it? Does it lead to true and lasting love?

Chemistry can get you in the door and start a relationship, but developing a trusting, safe and fun friendship first is what makes a relationship endure. Unfortunately, too many people go with the lusty first feelings, become disillusioned and get involved “too fast.” This starts a relationship off with a full speed romance, and it often won’t endure the long haul.

What to do? Enjoy the initial rush of chemistry – but put the brakes on and move slowly. Don’t rush into a sexual relationship no matter how tempted you feel. You will be grateful in the long run that you took the time to really grow the trust and friendship first. It is imperative to look at the internal characteristics of a person and fall in love with those, vs. the exterior, shallow looks that will fade with time. Are they a good person of high moral values, have a sense of faith, work hard within a career they are proud of, a loving, responsible parent, confident but not arrogant, honest, and share the same interests and goals for their future as you? This all takes time to discover.

I refer to this advice as the “90 day rule.” If you can put intimacy on hold for 90 days, you will first discover if this “new crush” is truly right for you – and possesses the important qualities and character traits you really want in a long-term relationship. By rushing into intimacy, before you have this information, many people fall in love with an illusion that cannot endure. Even worse, it could become a toxic relationship as negative traits or addictions slowly emerge after you are emotionally invested. Don’t become exclusive too quickly; continue to date others as you get to know each other. You can learn more about the successful, Evolved relationship and how to avoid Toxic partners within my Couples’ chapter in my book, Live Beyond Your Dreams – from Fear and Doubt to Personal Power, Purpose and Success; or in the many free articles on my App, My Relationship Coach.


Riana Mine is a Marriage/Family Therapist at Therapy by the Sea, LLC; a Certified Relationship Coach, author, and motivational speaker in Egg Harbor Township, NJ. Her column, My Relationship Coach will discuss the relationship you have with yourself and others. Her free App: My Relationship Coach offers more articles and her book, Live Beyond Your Dreams – from Fear and Doubt to Personal Power, Purpose and Success, addresses various relationships. To learn more or suggest a topic, go to www.RianaMilne.com or email RianaMilne@gmail.com



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